Some thoughts about the nature and practice of equanimity

Equanimity is “I’m okay,” not “this is okay.” This is not a deep truth about equanimity, but I find it useful to think about it this way. If you’re in a non-dual headspace, you could say something like “it’s okay here.”

Equanimity is also not “everything is equally bad.” Nor is it “everything is equally neutral.” It’s actually not “everything is equally good” either. But the reason I mention this is that there’s a tendency when practicing equanimity to think that if you are full of sparkling joy, you must not be equanimous. And if you are full of angst, being okay and equanimous with the angst means you have to continue to be full of angst.

Really, equanimity is more “angst is happening, how interesting.” “Sparkly joy is happening, how interesting.” It’s okay to wonder how the sparkly joy happens. If you figure it out, it’s okay to do what it takes to have it be what’s happening more of the time, as long as that’s not making the world a worse place. If your sparkly joy comes from kicking puppies, then “oh, that’s interesting, my sparkly joy comes from kicking puppies, I wonder why?” is probably a good attitude to have. But it probably doesn’t come from that.

It’s not our job to be unhappy. It’s not part of the practice to be unhappy. If we’re unhappy, that’s what’s happening, and being equanimous with that is exactly the right thing to do, but there is no obligation to continue being unhappy once we discover how not to be. Indeed, being unhappy is a burden we place on everyone else. It may be a burden we have no choice but to place on them; if it is, then perhaps it is their joyful burden to carry: perhaps they can be full of joy while helping us to become equanimous with our unhappiness. Or perhaps not. Depends on who “they” is, doesn’t it?

There’s no point in feeling guilty about being unhappy, because that doesn’t make it better. The precise right thing to do with feeling unhappy, if it’s available, is to be equanimous about it. The point I’m making is just we don’t have to stay unhappy, just because we’ve managed to become equanimous about it.

There are so many reasons why we think we have to be unhappy. I just spent a bunch of time watching someone who’s been in my life for more than forty years, whom I loved and appreciated, go through the last stages of dying of cancer. There was a temptation to think I should have been feeling sad and crushed the whole time this was happening. But I think it’s a great example of why we don’t have to be unhappy.

It was her last month in this life. She was surrounded by people who loved her, and whom she loved. How would it have been for her, for all of us to be unhappy, for her to be surrounded by unhappy people? To never hear a joyful laugh? To constantly be hearing the people around her telling her with their behavior “be serious.” Now that she is gone, of course we are crushed by the loss, and there have been times when being equanimous about sorrow was what was available. But honestly, the sorrow wasn’t bad. The sorrow was love. Love isn’t bad. And I’m glad that she heard me laughing at silly things during that last month.